He's home

My brother came home Friday. He seems to be doing better. He understands what he did hurt a lot of people. He is undergoing counseling . I just hope he stays on the path to recovery. I can't carry the entire family anymore. I am totally spent. This week was hell for me. I was trying to make sure my brother got taken care of & take care of his business. I also had to keep my extended family at bay because my mom was a mess.
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Taking care of all this mess I missed my window for ovulation. I also had to start retaking my kidney meds because my kidney's were screaming in pain. One of my meds is a class C. So I had to stop the meds to avoid any birth defects that might occur should I actually be able to conceive.
I'm beginning to realize that having another child is so not meant to be. I keep hitting brick walls. And my head can only take so much.

Why can't life be simple

My brother attempted suicide yesterday. I don't even know where to begin.
It's now almost 4am. I've been awake since the hospital called at 2am to let me know he's been transferred to an inpatient facility about 3 hours away. They had difficulty finding a facility to treat alcohol & drug abuse along with severe depression & suicide attempt.
I don't know how to process all this.

I'm back, I think

My little miracle just turned 2. He is 27lbs & 33 inches. All boy & too, too cute!

I've neglected this blog for so long. No excuse really, just life.

I, of course, have been spending the last 6 months dreaming of that "miraculous spontaneous pregnancy after IVF". I've always had that little thought in the back of my mind. But it's been consuming my night & days. I've gotten to where I can't even check in with old blogs. Everytime I do, someone has already given birth to their 2nd or 3rd! I look at the new baby pics & bawl. I didn't think I would ever feel like I did before I had my son. I feel like I'm back at the bottom again. Infertility hurts so bad. I don't know how people heal. It so damn frustrating. The pain never goes away, does it?

I went back to the IVF clinic & my doc just laughed when I asked if we could try some cheaper low tech procedures! (Can you here the evil laugh now. HA,hahahah after 3 IVF's you think a little injectable IUI will get you pregnant?!?!? HA, hahahah) So I have been thinking of ways to pay for IVF again! Unfortunately the housing market blows, so refinancing is out of the question. I could charge it but again the economy is so scary , if something happened to my husband's job I'd never be able to pay it off. And I'd have no emergency cash flow. So I'm attempting the do-able yet hope it pays off job hunt for companies that provide IVF coverage.

I have been working for my brother's construction company which currently is holding on by a soaking wet thread. I worked full time while working for him before so I can do it again, however I do have a toddler to throw into the mix. But my mom just retired so I have a little back-up. We did buy a new house in March 2008 & we live in the same neighborhood so I definitely have convenience on my side.

I know I've been home for every major milestone that my son has had. But man it breaks my heart to even think about missing a single second of his little life. He always manages to do something new. Not earth shattering but damn cute! I just hate the thought of going back to work. Everytime I look at him a get a pang of guilt. Like I should just except the gift that I was given & not to be greedy for more. I then try to remind myself that it's perfectly natural to want more children & that I'd be giving my son something not taking away.

Happy New Year (belated)

Here are some xmas pics for your viewing pleasure! As you can see from the 1st pic xmas was way too much work. The 2nd pic was gift opening at my mom's. And the last pic was xmas morning at our house. (If I am remembering correctly-he was abandoning his pile of gifts for the dog food bowl that I forgot to pick up!)

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I hate New Year resolutions. I try every year not to make some crazy promise to myself that will never come to pass. However I couldn't help but look over at my son sleeping in his crib & think of him. Things I need to do & change for him.

I really need to get my pcos under control. I'm at such a high risk for diabetes & with my MTHFR I doubled my chances for strokes & blood clots. I also can't help but wonder if any of this shit has to do with my kidneys. (Which, btw, have started hurting on a regular basis again!) I know I need to call the dr about them but I so, so, so hate Dukey! They may be one of the top ten hospitals in the US, but in my opinion they suck. I have had such horrible experiences there. My husband,on the other hand, loves them & I mean lurve! He spent 2 years in their burn unit when he was little. They saved his life, for that I am grateful, but I have a feeling a lot has changed since the 70's. Anywhoo, I have put myself on the diabetes diet. I am already on metformin due to my insulin resistance so the diet, I'm hoping, can only help control the pcos symptoms.

I'm so hoping that 2008 is a year of great things to come. I entered 2007 so nervous that I'd lose my boy. I still wasn't sure he make it even after I heard his cry. I've spent a lot of nights checking his breathing & so has my husband. Well let me rephrase, my husband wakes me & asks me to go check on him. So between the two of us I don't think I'll ever sleep through the night again!

This past year, once he was born, has flown by. I can't believe he'll be 10 months old tomorrow. I already need to start planning his birthday. I know that sounds crazy since I have 2 months, but I'm an Italian yankee & every party has to be big & impressive & contain way too much food! I don't know how to throw a party any other way. (Which reminds me again that I owe you a Christening post.)

Well here's to 2008! I'm hoping everyones wishes come true this year!

Updates Galore

I have so much to fill you in on. First I'll update on Alex. He had his 9 month check up & now is 18lbs 4oz & 28 in! He gotten so big. He has 4 teeth. He is crawling all over & is just starting to pull up.

We did have a little health scare both with me & him. That is the reason for the delayed posting.

Alex had an unexplained fever for 4 days, he had no other symptoms so I just thought it was teething. He also had a doctors appointment on day 4 so I wasn't worried. Well the dr was. Fast forward to 4 hours & 6 needle sticks later we were told to wait 72 hours for a blood culture. The dr wanted to be safe & gave him a shot of antibiotics. We went home to nap & when we woke up Alex had a fever of 104.5! Of course I freaked, the nurse, however, gave me a list of things to do & called an hour later to check. Luckily I got the fever down to 100 & the dr even called an hour after that to check on him. The next day we started him on oral antibiotics & waited paiently for the blood results. The culture had been contaminated in the lab. So after chewing my nails to the quick wondering what alien illness my son had, I'll now never know. He then developed a congested cough after being on antibiotics for a week. He stills has this damn cough so today we are going back for a recheck. Hopefully there will be no more needles!

My health scare is my kidneys. If you look back on my post from a year ago, I almost spent Christmas in the hospital due to a kidney stone. The pain left & we assumed I passed it. The week after Alex was born I thought I had a bladder infection from the catheter, the dr agreed & antibiotics were consumed. I spent the next 3 months trying every antibiotic there was to get rid of the stupid infection. My ob decided she was tired of me & sent me to a urologist who not so quickly disovered my malfunction. The stone we thought I passed was actually lodged in my ureter blocking urine from entering my bladder on the left side. The urine, since it couldn't escape, kept backing up into my kidney causing a major infection. I had several nights where my husband was ready to drive me the hospital, the fevers were awful 103+. After several scans it was determined that I had so many stones it was going to require 2 surgeries. The first surgery was to remove the stone that was blocking my ureter. The surgery itself wasn't so bad but the stent that stayed in for a week was a torture that I don't wish on anybody!! The best way I can describe it is to imagine a PVC pipe cut with a hand saw shoved up your wazoo & with each step it rubs. Yeah, real fun! The 2nd surgery was a whole lot more involved. Since the stones were so large, golf ball size (no I'm not exaggerating) I had to have open kidney surgery. The surgeons went in through my back to remove 6 stones from my left kidney. I was at the point to where just a month delay in surgery could have cost me my kidney. The stones were so large that parts of my kidney were not functioning. My right one also needs the surgery but they are waiting for some further testing. Our current goal is to determine why I am growing such extremely large stones. The dr's are baffled because 1-I'm a girl 2-I'm young 3-They are freakin' HUGE! We are talking case study people! The right kidney, luckily, is in a lot better shape then my left one was. So we have some time for investigation.

So that's what I've been up to. I need to write a post about Alex's Christening. I just realized that I never did that. It was in July. I kinda suck at this blogging thing. Well time to run, I have to get in the shower before Alex wakes up & requires my undivided attention!

I owe you some updates

Here is Alex at 6months.
Stats: 16lbs
26 inches

Here is Alex at 4 months.
Stats: 14lbs 1oz
24 inches

I can't believe my little boy is going to be 7 months tomorrow. He is growing too, too fast. He is starting to get on all fours & rock his butt. It's just a matter of time before he's burning up my carpet! He is the light of my life. He also suffers from a severe case of mommy-itis. He is so attached to me. It breaks my husbands heart when he starts to get fussy while my husband is holding him & he reaches for me. When he's unhappy the only person he wants is me. It makes my heart swell beyond it's boundaries.

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I do find it strange that I can't stop thinking about having another baby. I don't know how the hell I could do it. But it fills my mind when I'm not focused on my son. I have always wanted a big family. I used to wish that I'd get pregnant in high school. I took way too many chances when my ex-husband & I were dating. You would think that would have given me a clue that my parts were broken.

My mind keeps drifting back to a psychic I saw after I lost the first baby. She said that I would have 3 children, 2 boys & a girl. I want to so believe that this would come true. However, I also can't help but think this was a psychic that worked on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. But I'm holding on to this very thin thread of hope, praying that her "vision" is real. I guess that's all that I have for now.

15 Weeks

Here is the love of my life at 15 weeks old!! How can you not love this face?

Sorry for the posting hiatus I have been so crazy busy. I have started working for my brother's construction company full time. It's not so bad since I get to bring Alex with me. Not many people can have a pack-n-play sitting in their office, so I'm pretty lucky. I'm also lucky because when my boss pisses me off I can go all big sister on him & call him a stupid asshole & still have a job at the end of the day! I've also been busy planning Alex's Christening. I been booking caterers ,ordering cake & table ware, you'd think I was planning a wedding. My whole family is coming down from New York so things are definitely going to be crazy. I don't think I'd enjoy it any other way.

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Alex is growing by leaps & bounds. At his last checkup 2 weeks ago he weighed 12lbs 3oz! I kinda wish he would slow down on the growth. I don't know if I'll ever get to do this again so I'm wanting this little baby stage to last as long as possible. We of course have been wishing for a miracle natural pregnancy after IVF. I know it's probably not very likely but one can wish.

I'll post an update after his 4 month check up next week.